January 2010
2 posts
i like it when i can hear my dad singing, i like it when i feel the cold sheets rustle. i like knowing that you know what i hate most and how i wish i knew what to do. i like having you talk on the phone to me while i fall asleep and i like knowing that its okay if i dont want to to talk back because its too much energy and words fall heavy out from my lips like cinder blocks. i like knowing how...
in the end its all a matter of who is willing to survive, and who is going to end up in the dumpster. in the end its all about the who is what and what was left behind. in the end its about the years and not the days.
its easy, elementary. so stop asking me what time it is and i’ll stop listening to old records.
you would figure that we’d have this figured out by now.
December 2009
2 posts
visitation
we meet. you are fleeting thoughts in my mind. you fade into the blurriness of that day and i forget the way your voice sounds. we meet again, you are reinforced in my memory and i take notice of your white teeth and your smile. i remember your name, the color of jacket that you wore. we say goodbye. you are a 5:1 ratio on my mind, in my dreams, in my speaking tounge. you stay with me. you are an...
eyelashes
its things like watching my fathers eyes move behind his eyelids and thinking of how one day i will be as old as he, and he will look back and wonder where the years went.
its things like watching great beasts of men become frail horses that wander aimlessly through the field.
its things its things its things.
its never the impulse or the thought anymore.
November 2009
1 post
lips
your body moves like the way my mouth pronounces your name. you’re running over syllables and consonants, you’re tripping over vowels.
im repeating every word you’ve ever said. not everything can be understood the first time around.
September 2009
2 posts
passing the ruins of every person that your eyes have ever met. the quiet is heavy with melancholy.
you, all of you- with your coarse, unraveling hands that shake with anticipation, you bind my loose ends tight. you, with your long and wrinkled fingers that worked long in the sun, you stitched my wound tight with that black thread you spun the morning before. you, who hung my frayed and moth eaten body and hung it on the thin wire in your dusty backyard, left me to be blessed by the sun and...
August 2009
5 posts
it’s horrid to wake up feeling so desolate, God willing, give me something. Give me a feeling, give me some rage, give me some sun, give me red’s so bright I cant see straight and give me lips that dont know when to stay shut. I want too much and think too little, I run blindly into the lights and dont think twice about thanking the people behind me.
im so tired of waking up and...
these days im giving up fighting walls with my fists and starting beating concrete with my feet. God, it feels good to be alive.
direction
i woke up and felt that first breath of conciousness leave my lips. sitting up, i bent down and screwed my feet on. put the peices back together and go on another day. the soles of my feet are worn and dirty, but you know that the first thing that my hand makes contact with is a pen. walk up to that worn wall with shaking hands and slow eyes, spider webs in the corners and now a barely legible...
harmonica
the walk home isn’t as lonely as it seems, like you always told me, looks are deceiving. like you always told me, dont give your heart the chance to be trampled on; thrown and nestled in the gutter like all the newspapers you never read and those empty coffee cups, where each sip was a prayer.
cars drive by and headlights fill the horizon of my hazy mind. my hand are at home in worn in jean...
in every sense, this is it. this is the only time i’ve got and now i’m feeling the weight of my every breath. my brain is stacking bricks of every moment i shouldve jumped and my lungs are crushed. this is it, this is it.
even though my breath is ragged, my beating heart is saying there’s still time. believe you me, im trying so hard to have faith.
July 2009
15 posts
the night was so quiet with only the sounds of creaking walls and the continuous movement of the gears of the fan. i held my breath and counted to ten, everything is clock work, im looking for some type of out.
there
do not blame the speed of time for your complete lack of grace. im throwing glass dishes against the walls and creating dust of every color, you’re lying on your back counting the cracks in the walls.
maybe this was meant to be, but i still have found a way to hate you.
left
we have these unwritten rules where after so many hours together we can talk about whatever we want to. because its been a long day. because sometimes even though we both know what the other one is going to say, feeling the words make their way out leaves us feeling lighter.
and hours make way past us and the slates are clean and there’s hope for tomorrow and we’re forgetting about...
want vs need
you’re the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and you’re my oxygen mask that brings me back to earth. personally, i find it so beautiful that you’re playing both sides. but i still try. i black out on and off, slipping out of conciousness is a totally new world that i made sure that you’re not appart of. and this is what i’ve chosen. you’re the itch in my...
slow
three oclock in the morning and im awake and i can feel my pulse racing and i can feel the thoughts in my head dying off one by one. whats worse, the fact that i was thinking of you earlier or how i dreamt about you later that night?
what happened was we were in my living room and you were waving to me. i walked up to you and the next thing i knew your arms were open and i was invited. one step...
push
you were gifted with the marvelous talent to restate everything ive just said, but i’ve got to give you some credit, you say it in a much more beautiful way than i could have ever put it in the first place.
and you’ve got the script infront of you and you read it line to line. never a breath in between sentences, you’ve got that perfect pronounciation and know when to emphasize...
laugh
please tell me this is some type of sick joke.
im tugging on the sleeve of you jacket and you’re avoiding my gaze like a plauge. please tell me this some joke. you yank your arm away from me. “no one’s laughing, cut it the fuck out.”
but im laughing so hard and tears are coming out of my eyes, spit is slowing dripping out of my mouth and my hair is begging to be ripped...
out
i tried to tell you but no words came out. syllables failed me and consonants pricked my tounge and hushed me. my throat was dry and all i could do was hope to God that you could read my eyes. you grew impatient with the waiting and got up to leave.
i knew that it would take time for their entrance and yet i had hope you would wait with me. irony was taking my head for a spin because i had...
time
you’re telling me that i need to get my head out of the clouds and to stop wasting all of my time. you’re leaving me sticky notes all of the house reminding me for this today and then that in an hour. im keeping lists for the future and you love to rip them up as soon as you find them.
and what you dont know is that the future is coming and tomorrow has the potential to be so much...
232 days
you’re breathing deep next to me. methodically and steady. you’re in a trance and your lungs are doing clock work. you’ve got one arm wrapped around my waist and the other running the other way, palm up and fingers twitching. i cant sleep. i keep having these dreams where im driving 60mph and crashing into the church’s stone wall. im looking over at you and your eyes are...
race
im falling asleep. im falling asleep. im falling asleep.
you’re falling behind.
restraint
“could you stop? you’re embarrassing me, shit, get a grip on yourself.” you were sitting there crying and i couldn’t bring myself to even tilt my head in your direction. you’re too weak for me and im not sure why i keep coming back.
its that sick relationship of feeding off one another, that ideal companionship where someone is already giving and someone is always...
reasoning
the radio was playing mozart and the whole house reeked of truth. i was scared the minute i came in, because i’ve spent so much time perfecting the cracks in my walls and now they were cracking from the inside out.
she dealt fifty two cards and stacked them up evenly. the cigarette was dangling out of her mouth and smoking climbing its way into her hair. “this is what i mean, there...
prove
i snuck in through your window at two-thirty five in the morning. you were sleeping in another house and dreaming thoughts farthest away from me. dragons and lampshades and deep hues and colors so bright and magnets; i know this because you were documenting your dreams in that journal i gave you last fall. but i also discovered that you kept that picture of us in there, much to my suprise and...
white
you walked home that wednesday and the first thing you said to me was, “sometimes i really dont understand how im not dead yet. but thank God for that I guess. there are too many people here, they start to consume me, do you know?”
i didn’t really know what you meant at the time.
three months later, you’re out of town and writing my name on all the walls that remind you...
June 2009
16 posts
news
you turned off CNN and you did that sigh you always do. the one that says, “im tired, im tired of everything and my life is sighing with despondency.” and you placed the fingers of your right hand strategically between your eyes, rubbing the ridge of your nose and moving your head slowly from side to side. it was hard to turn away from you, those eyes and that pathetic way you were...
message
so maybe this is it, maybe i shouldn’t have expected anything more than your fleeting exsistance and all the memories that only come back on command. and maybe that was my last chance to give you the so called recognition that you thought you deserve, your high title, your undying support. but i didn’t. i sat in the back of the room with my head down; i was too embarrassed to...
names
the ground shifted and the walls shook with the vibrations. the feeling of elevation was tremendous, the buildings shook and the wood moaned and metal creaked. i was laid down on the grass and the sun was racing the birds for the horizon; i set my hands behind my head and waited.
wind rushing against my face, the earth is lifting up. im counting down in my head. the sky is darkening and someone...
choice
my face was turning blue from choking. the words were inside of me, they were inside and they were building, they were growing, they were depriving me of any chance at survival. they were consuming my life. i was gasping for air, a fish out of water, watch my body toss and turn as if to coax the air into my lungs. the words were there. more than i could explain, more than i could fathom. you...
answers
sitting on the hotel bed, shit, what else was going to happen. what else was going to disrupt my flow of time and take advantage of my fault of never being ready? i sit. i sit and i wait. the phone rings thrice and i ignore it and i wait and i chew on my lip and i wait and im picking at my calloused hands and i wait.
and i wait. and i wait.
i wait for the calm before the storm, i wait for the...
concentration
you were standing in the kitchen, your back was facing me and i was finding a solution. i looked over at you and i tried my hardest to remember every detail of your face. your spine, the way your pants hang a little, youre swagger. the way your head bobs when you walk, the way you look at someone when they’re talking to you. i tried my hardest to take it all in.
i was constructing you in my...
plastic
i drove to petsmart. i didn’t really have a plan in mind. but i was lonely, i was bored, i needed something to feed, something to care for. something to need me. i needed you to need me but maybe that wasn’t happening, and i wasn’t about to force anything. its not my style. i disconnected my phone and deleted your emails. i invested in a record player, i bought sunglasses.
and...
numbers
i smiled. thirty two teeth exposed to the sun, my lips were chapped and tounge dry. thirty two teeth exposed and forty fingers between the two of us. a trail of sweat declared its way down my forehead, clearing a route only to be wiped away by the back of my hand. looking down on you, you never looked so content.
i walked back inside, leaving you to bake in the heat. fifty seconds later and i...
connect
you hold my hand up, placing your own hand in front. they touch. “see,” you say, “this is what im talking about. this is connection. this is it.” your hands feel as though they hold so much more weight than my own. i wonder if you think of how pathetic i seem, if the size of my hands have any correlation to the size of my heart.
i bring my eyes from our hands to your face,...
visible
i turned up the music louder as your ghosts walked from room to room, touching the walls and silently screaming things beyond my comprehension. the speakers warmed with the increased volume and i thought of less, felt less, cared less.
because i can see right through you. i can see right through you. you turned to me and mouthed the words “right here, right here, right here, right...
trails
you left me. black x’s across my hands and a sore heart was all that was left of me. my veins were alleys and dusty roads and my bones were the highways. i walked all night barefoot, watching stars and dreaming of heaven. i found my way back, i opened the door, i let you know i was home. ‘x’ marks the spot.
i left you. leaving a single note in each room of the house by the...
REM
the sheets crinkle as i move my body and turn to my side. the light is charging to my window, through my blinds and bleaching my walls. but i was dreaming of you, i saw you, i felt you. and you were so near and i was so far gone, too infatuated with artificial colors and the swirls of time.
one eye open, i realize how the the air is, how it seems to swell with how much i miss you. blood floods...
sympathy
“yeah, I understand.” You say this over and over again. Play, pause, rewind, repeat. Yeah, I get that you understand. Yeah I get that you understand. “Yeah, I know what you mean.” Do you know what I mean? To mean is to feel, you feel what I mean? You feel the path that i’ve dragged myself on? Over and over again, searching, searching, searching for nothing and coming...
chase
like pairs of millions of hands reaching out from underneathe the carpet’s worn in mat, your words were pulling me into the farthest corner of my brain. I tried to hold still, keeping my breath, as if you would lose my trail, lose interest, forget me and the promises we failed to keep. echos of every minute i spent loudly thinking over and over again to myself, every detail of your touch and...
require
and it was like hitting myself in the gut over and over again, this feeling of pride. the feeling of wearing two black eyes but not asking anyone to help me find my own way home. “i’d find myself out of here, it’s me im stuck with anyways.” you looked distanced as i forcefully pushed your words away with my stinging remarks.
because i dont need you tonight, i dont need...
"Self respecting females are a dying breed"
stop crying, grow a back bone, stand up and tell everyone who’s hurting you to fuck off.